Real lesbians do not wear earrings (when playing softball)

by on May 30, 2010  •  In Uncategorized

An absolutely spot-on analysis of the infamous Kagan softball photo from AfterEllen, with HT to Lexi Freeman –

Keds. Lesbians do not play softball in Keds. They are slippery and impractical. As blogger Heather Hogan says, “I wear cleats to check the mail.”

051410Softball Grip. Occasional blogger and softball dyke Anna Wahrman says, simply, “A real lesbian wouldn't choke up on the bat that much.” Plus, Kagan is squeezing the bat awfully hard, which stiffens the swing. Lesbians tend to have a more natural grip, having never been conditioned to hold tightly to tubular objects.

Jewelry. Kagan is wearing pearl earrings and a watch. Not a sports watch, mind you – a regular women's watch. When I played softball, jewelry was not only silly, it was against the rules. If a lesbian wears any accessory, it's a wristband…

Clothes. Kagan has on jeans and an oxford shirt over a henley. Goldberg: “Really, a button-down?” Exactly. And jeans? How would jeans fit over your knee brace? Besides, you want maximum flexibility in case you have to slide into second and accidentally kick your ex's new GF face first into the sand…

Batting stance. Goldberg: “Where do I start with that softball stance? Gah!” Suffice it to say that she is not positioned to actually hit the ball.

Smile. Um, Ms. Kagan? This is a softball game… Goldberg: “I don't care if someone I'm dating is pitching, I'm hitting it up the middle.” Spoken like a true lesbian…

We are no experts on judicial matters…But we are lesbians, and we know softball. We rest our case.

Hey, did somebody say “case?” Who wants beer?


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